Sarcasm

So Ready for Spring Part 2

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Ready for the bus stop. Minus 5 degrees!

Promises, Promises

Thursday morning approaches with sub-zero temperatures again.  Since we didn’t get the road plowed all of the slush turned to ice.  I had asked Hubby to drive me to the bus stop since I knew I couldn’t navigate downhill on ice.  He agreed. Wow, what a relief! That feeling of relief lasted about 30 seconds. He said we were leaving now. But our daughter was still in bed. I thought I would warm up the truck and he would drop her at the neighbors’ who would take the kids to their bus stop and he would drive me to mine. NO. He drove me down to the end of the driveway, got out and walked back up the hill. My hero. The truck wasn’t even defrosted yet.

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I haven’t warmed up the truck enough!

Baby It’s Cold Outside

I drove down the snow and ice covered main road at five miles per hour hoping I could still catch the 6:51 bus.  I finally made it to the park and ride at 6:52.  I was hoping the bus would be late so I go stand in the frigid cold waiting for it.  When my toes got numb, I figured that I missed it.  So I go back and sit in my truck to wait for the 7:10.  I was running the heater trying to get the feeling back in my toes.  I hobbled out of the car at 7:07 so I wouldn’t miss the 7:10.  By 7:15 my toes felt like they actually snapped off my feet and were rolling around in my shoes.  I went back to the car.  As I started up the heat, I noticed the 7:10 zoom by at 7:17.  After a few choice words, I decided that I had no choice but to wait for the 7:28 which my neighbor drives.  And I can always count on him coming at 7:35.  So I get out of the car at 7:28 in case he is on time.  As always, he came at 7:35.  I got on the bus, shaking uncontrollably from the cold.  I thought I was having a convulsion.  I didn’t stop shaking until noon.

 

Ah, a Hot Dinner

What a long day.  I was ready for bed before dinner.  But managed to throw together some spaghetti, eat, and clean up the kitchen before collapsing with total exhaustion.  Sweetie came into my room and said that she felt sick and that her stomach hurt.  I asked her if she thought she had to throw up.  She said no.  So gave her a hot water bottle for her stomach and went back to bed.  She woke me up again saying that her stomach hurt and maybe she had to throw up.  We went into the bathroom and waited awhile before she said the feeling had passed.

 

Throw Up, Throw Out!

I told her just to sleep in my bed since it was closer to the bathroom if her stomach started bothering her again. Next time, I’ll remember to put a bucket by her.  I finally got back to sleep when Sweetie sat bolt upright and proceeded to vomit all over the floor and the wall next to the bed.  Did I mention we had spaghetti for dinner? I tossed her in the bathroom, held her hair and hoped for the best.  When she calmed down a bit, I made her a bed on the bathroom floor so I could clean the bedroom floor.  Wouldn’t you know my brand new carpet cleaner didn’t work. While I was looking it over to figure out what could be wrong, I noticed a sticker on it. “REFURBISHED”. That was a gift, Hubby can’t give me anything new, I felt like hurling it down the driveway, but Hubby probably would have made me tow it back up with the truck while he was riding it! Besides there was enough hurling going on. I have spaghetti hurled all over the place and a sick little girl to take care of.

 

I screamed for Hubby to help.  He cleaned up the mess by hand while I helped Sweetie who was now barfing into the toilet for a change. She slept peacefully the rest of the night on my bathroom floor while I slept fitfully with one eye open to check on her all night.  I fully intended to keep her home from school Friday.  But she woke up feeling great.

 

The Winter of My Incontinence

I woke up feeling queasy.  Oh great, now I’ve got it.  Since I hadn’t eaten yet, the bug decided to work its way out another way.  So, after an hour in the bathroom and three Immodium AD tablets later, I felt well enough to salt the driveway and head up to the neighbors to take the kids to school.  I got up the hill with some trouble, but I managed to get there.  I put her kid in the car, made sure everyone was buckled in and headed downhill.  Since it had been above freezing and I salted several times I figured that I wouldn’t have any trouble.  Well I hit a patch of ice and was sliding all over the place and heading for a tree. This is the winter of my incontinence.  If those three Immodiums hadn’t kicked in, I would have pooped my pants right then and there!  I told the kids to be quiet and let me concentrate.  However, they decided to burst into an endless chorus of “Hit a Tree”, “Hit a Tree” as I tried to maneuver my way into the tire tracks and carefully slide down the hill. I must say that although I was a nervous wreck and fishtailed it all the way down we made it safely.

 

And just as we crested the last hill the school bus passed us by.

Just laugh, you knew that would happen, keep driving until you get to school.

 

And that, my friends is why I’m so ready for spring. I hope you enjoyed the posts. Remember to live with joy, laughter and love. Please leave your comments, likes or dislikes below. I love hearing from you. And, here’s to warmer weather!

Lea

So Ready for Spring

Hello, I am re-posting Part 1 of So Ready for Spring to go along with Part 2 which I just posted a few minutes ago so you can read both straight through if you like 🙂

Plow the Neighbor’s Driveway, Please. Don’t Worry About Us

A winter long ago started as Monday was winding down and the winter weather was winding up.  Snow and lots of it is headed our way.  I asked Hubby to please salt the roads tonight and again in the morning.   Well, by early evening school was already cancelled.  We had a ton of snow with more to come.  So, I asked Hubby to plow first and then salt.  He grumbled but he suited up to plow.   He went down the hill to plow and disappeared. I went out to check on him and couldn’t find him.  I was just about to go looking for him when I saw his headlights coming up the road.  He had driven the quad with a plow on the front while not wearing a helmet down the driveway, down the main road and across to a side street to plow Softball Dad and Softball Mom’s driveway.  Softball Dad is one of the softball coaches and Softball Mom his wife.  I guess he wanted to score some major brownie points to ensure that Sweetie gets on the good softball team again this year and of course, to make himself look good.  It didn’t occur to him to just plow our road so I could safely transport Sweetie to and from the bus stop and get myself safely to my bus stop. Did I mention that our driveway is a mile long and uphill both ways? Too bad he chose to do their driveway first.  The quad only had so much life left in it and we didn’t know that until the snow hit…

QUADruple the Problem

I beg Hubby to please, please, please plow and salt while most of the snow is slushy because it is freezing fast.  So he grudgingly stomps out to plow.  A few minutes later I decided to finally have that cigarette had been wanting.  I’m outside delightfully puffing away when I notice Hubby walking up the hill.  The quad conked out.  We had just had it repaired and this is, you guessed it, day 31 of the 30 day warranty!!!  The quad is stuck right smack dab in the middle of the road on one of the hills.  We can’t leave it there, someone will hit it if they are stupid enough to be driving on a night like this.   Hubby asks me to tow the quad up the hill with my truck.  Heck, I’ll give you my keys.  Why do I have to do it?

Saftey First?

We slide down the hill in the truck and position it in front of the broken down heap of a quad. Hubby hooks up the tow strap then proceeds to sit on the quad and tells me to drive up the hill.   IS HE NUTS?  What if I start to slide backwards on the ice, what should I do?  Is it safe to ride on that thing while being towed?  Won’t it just follow if you drive the truck up the hill sitting in the cab?  I could use some instruction so I don’t accidentally kill you.  So I reiterate, “WHAT DO I DO IF I START TO SLIDE BACKWARDS TOWARD YOU????!!!!”  Accidentally kill him?  He then speaks the most eloquent words of wisdom that I ever heard…’just keep driving up the hill’. No, now it will be on purpose with a snow shovel slapped upside his head!

I’m trembling as I put the truck in 4-wheel and start to drive up the hill.  Theoretically, if I keep the speed steady, not too slow, not too fast I should be able to get up the whole hill without sliding into him or knocking him off the quad.  My knees are knocking my knuckles are white but I’m doing it.  I make it all the way into the driveway.  I hurry to put the truck in park and jump out the door to see if Hubby is still there.  Yes, he did not fall off.  He says, hey come here and help me.  I just realized that while the truck is in the driveway, the quad is still on the downhill side of it.  The tow strap was too long.  So I figured I’ll just drive right through the garden so I can get it up the rest of the way.  The garden fence was destroyed when the second load of manure was delivered this fall (my birthday present, not to be confused by the first load of manure which was my mothers’ day present, he didn’t learn the first time, a story coming soon)!  So no problem.

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Slow and steady up the hill…

A Better Idea

Of course, Hubby has a better idea.  His ideas are so much brighter than mine.  He wants me to push the quad the rest of the way. Am I the only one to see that this won’t work, we’re on ICE! But like a dutiful wife, I do it.  Or, at least I attempt it. My feet are sliding in all different directions. How did he think this was going to work?  Plan B.  I am now supposed to back the truck up closer to the quad, I can’t reiterate enough, ON ICE!  Won’t that make it go further down the hill?  Oh no, of course not.  Hubby undid the tow strap and is holding one end.  Theoretically, as I back up, he can take up the slack in the tow strap and make it shorter so I can pull it all the way into the driveway.  I’m in full blown panic attack by now. and the rest of the night is a blur.  I did see the quad in the driveway the next morning and Hubby was unscathed.  I can’t help but think that if he did our driveway first, it would have gotten clean before the quad broke and thus would have been able to avoid Thursday and Friday’s experiences…

Stay tuned!

Thank you Friends for reading my blog posts. I hope you enjoyed this one. It does have a part 2 which I will be posting in the next day or two so keep watching for it. Yes it can get worse and it does get funnier. Please leave your comments, likes or dislikes using the buttons below. Also, please sign up to follow me by email so you won’t miss a single story. Have a great day. Enjoy yourself with love, joy and laughter always.

Lea

Tidy Chaos

Hello Friends,  Here’s a little story about what we all try to squeeze in on our weekends…a little house cleaning. You can take this as an amusing little story or a WARNING! DO SOMETHING FUN INSTEAD!!! Just something to think about since you are probably planning your weekend about now. Please click the link (it’s safe) for the full story and access to my blog.

 

My respects to Erma Bombeck.  She said something to the effect of cleaning the house while you have kids is like shoveling snow in a blizzard.  Well, when it snows it pours! I had one day last week to clean my house.  I had it all planned down to the last detail and down to the last minute.  I strategically plotted for a week.  I would get up before everyone, have a leisurely cup of coffee, take a shower then execute my plan with the precision of a ninja.

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Will clean with precision of a ninja!

I got up early, had my coffee, took my shower and even did my hair.  I cleaned up the kitchen.  I sorted and threw away the junk mail that’s been covering my table for three weeks.  I picked up my daughter’s stuff, I loaded the dishwasher, turned it on and put away the dishes drying in the dish rack.  I swept the floor, threw away all of the junk covering my counters and tables then went to work on the dining and living rooms.  I picked up and put away toys, blankets pillows, clothes and other assorted stuff that didn’t belong.  I hung up the coats, jackets, hats and umbrellas. I went back to the dishwasher which had just turned off.  I put away all of the clean dishes.  I re-loaded with the dishes that didn’t fit in the first load. The place was spotless!

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Ah, clean at last!

 

Then, on to round two.  I planned my weekly menu.  I am tired of getting home at 6:30 or 7:00 PM and being too tired to cook and of course too tired to eat.  I went to the grocery store.  I began to cook for the week.  I had a week’s worth of complete dinners planned, packed, refrigerated and ready to reheat. I was whipped.

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Ready to reheat meals for a week. What a time saver!

I sat down for a well-deserved break with a nice cup of coffee and some cookies, turned on the television, put up my feet and was ready to watch my favorite show. Well, I fell asleep. I didn’t think I was asleep that long before I woke up to the sound of the dog lapping up the last of my coffee which he used to wash down my cookies.

 

I better take that cup out to the kitchen and sterilize it. At least there wasn’t much coffee in it, not enough to hurt the dog. However, the kitchen hit me like a ton of bricks. Dirty dishes filled the sink, food and crumbs all over the counters, dirt on the floor, coats and jackets slung over the backs of chairs, mail everywhere. How long was I asleep? Did I slip through a wormhole into another plane of existence? I must have really been out like a light.

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WTH?

No such luck, it was my hubby, daughter and her band of merry softball maidens. Famished and dirty after softball practice they refueled themselves in a frenzied state led by Super Softball Dad who was blind to the fact that the kitchen was spotless and I wanted it kept that way. A concept totally lost on Super Softball Dad who not only wrecked my kitchen, but brought home half the team AND their parents who now think this is what my house looks like.

 

Well, I guess it usually does. Now I know why their houses are always neat and tidy. Everyone is always here messing up my house! And this is why I get migraines!

My Friends, I hope you choose to have a fun-filled weekend. Don’t clean the house all at once, let’s go out and play! Let me know how you are spending your fun weekend by commenting below. I hope you liked my story, the moral for me is to enjoy my free time and let the dishes be damned! Until next time, I wish you love, laughter, happiness and plenty of fun!

Lea

 

Over the “Dump” Day!

Hello Friends,

I know I normally post on Tuesday, but I have a cute little Wednesday specific post that I thought you might get a kick out of. It’s a short little chuckle to get you over the hump!

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Oh, Fluffy! Pew!

 

I always thought that Wednesday was called Over the Hump Day. In our house it was something very different after we got our new puppy. I don’t know what the puppy had against Wednesday’s but he sure had a funny way of expressing his displeasure.

 

You see, we were still crate training him. He was doing very well, except on Wednesdays, Wednesdays during the hottest summer we’ve had in a long time. His training was going quite well. We hired a trainer to train the puppy but she was actually training us. The puppy could sit, stay, fetch, bring, drop, and leave it. He could walk nicely on his lead, heel, turn, stop and sit when being led.

 

However, Fluffy had a thing against Wednesdays. I guess he couldn’t make it over the hump! That’s when I started noticing that every Wednesday this summer, my husband would race home early and grab his golf clubs and scram as soon as I was coming up the driveway. Not even a wave goodbye, just Zoom! He was a blur racing down the hill.

 

Every Wednesday in July hubby would race home to grab his clubs and go golfing with the guys.  He would be sure to get home early so he could get his stuff and leave before I got home from work.  He always pretended not to notice what had gone on inside our new puppy’s cage so he could leave without the responsibility of dealing with this particularly disgusting situation.  However, anyone with half a brain (and half a nose) couldn’t possibly have missed it.  It seemed that every Wednesday during the month of July, Fluffy would have diarrhea—in his cage!

Not only would he dump all over his cage, he would roll in it.  I would have to drag the dog, cage and all outside.  Tie the dog up, hose him off, shampoo him then get busy cleaning the cage. Then I would have to shower off.  All before cooking dinner, which I no longer would have the appetite for.

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I’m going in!

Men! They find a way out of everything and leave us the dirty work! I need a good revenge tactic, hmmm?!

 

Happy Over the Hump Day!

 

Hi Friends, I hope you enjoyed my dirty little Wednesday story. Please have a great Over the Hump Day, we’re halfway to the weekend. As always I appreciate your feedback, leave your likes, dislikes and comments (or revenge ideas 🙂 below on this page, please. I look forward to hearing from you.

Please take a look at the other stories on my blog and see what antics I’ve been up to! Everyone needs a good laugh! What’s life without a little humor and whimsy?

Enjoy the rest of your week with laughter, joy and happiness!

Lea

Snow Job

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Where’s the snow?

The Blizzard of 2017

Where’s the snow? The weather forecast called for a nasty Nor’easter dumping 8 inches of snow by this afternoon. I’m stocked on milk, toilet paper and bread, which I’m now feeding to the birds. Look, no snow (secretly, thank God, I hate snow!)!

 

Blizzard of ’93

In lieu of the fierce snowstorm we were supposed to get today, I thought I would recount a wicked snowstorm we did get some time ago and the antics we did to cope with it.

Some of you may remember the Blizzard of 1993. It started late on a Friday night and we were well prepared. Warned in advance by meteorologists who got it right, my new husband and I were invited to spend the snowy weekend holed-up at my sister in law’s mobile home with her friends from down the street and a younger cousin. It would be a weekend snow party.

My hubby and I stopped after work and bought snacks and liquid refreshments for the weekend as did the others. We all settled in for movies, games, merriment and to let it snow! And snow it did. I hadn’t seen snow come down like that since, hmmm, without giving my age away, sometime earlier when school was cancelled for a week. All the kids from the neighborhood had a grand ole time sled riding on the streets for days.

Math Whiz

But this one would only last the weekend and as adults we were going to make the best of it in a more adult manner, though we were just barely adults. As the snow piled up, we dug in our heels and enjoyed the warmth of my sister in law’s spacious mobile home and played games, drank margaritas and enjoyed our silliness. My hubby’s younger cousin was there. She was still in high school. She did a few shots of tequila and decided not to do her Trigonometry homework. I sensed it wasn’t her first time drinking. She did shots like a pro, I think she was more experienced than I.  (I did not encourage this delinquency of a minor. I had something to say about it then a barrage of beer cans flew at me.) Anyway her homework was on the counter and after having a margarita and my inhibitions lowered, I found the homework quite easy to do. I was actually solving those problems in my head. I guess my SAT scores were correct, I scored exceptionally high in math and science although I did not do well with trigonometry in high school. So I finished her homework for her because I found it so much fun. Oh, what alcohol can do to a person! It turns a nerd into a super nerd! No wonder I never got invited to parties, I might do your homework instead of making out with you!

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Margarita and math, easy-peasy

Snowed In and Lazy

We woke up Saturday morning to three feet of snow. We were completely snowed in. Our cars were buried, we weren’t going anywhere. You couldn’t tell the difference between the yards and the street. Our plans were, after a hearty breakfast, to dig out the cars and then the guys would watch some sports on TV. The guys decided to skip the digging out of the cars. We couldn’t get them off their butts for anything. The ladies were cleaning up the breakfast dishes after slaving over the stove all morning and we were beginning to get annoyed. We couldn’t think of any way to get the men to move.

Rescued?

Suddenly there was a faint knock on the door. An old man was there asking if someone could shovel his driveway. By then it was late afternoon and the men had already cracked their beers and planted themselves. They said no way. But the old man pitifully asked again. My brother in law, not always tactful, said he would get rid of him. We told him to be kind and gentle. He had a brief quiet conversation with the old man, we were straining to hear what they were talking about.

The old man thanked him and trudged toward his home. My brother in law had a quick caucus with my hubby and the other man. Like Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, they leapt off the couch, put on their snow clothes, all grabbed shovels and dashed away, dashed away, dashed away all the way to the far end of the street!

 

“What changed your minds?” we exclaimed as they ran out of sight up the street and to the old man’s house? They called back, “His roommate has to go to work.” So what? Where could an old person work that anyone could actually get to in all this snow and why would anyone want to go out in it?

They proceeded to shovel the old man’s driveway in no time flat. We looked out the window and noticed they picked up a few more men on the way back and started shoveling the street. Calls for snow blowers were heard by all. Baffling.

We couldn’t take the suspense anymore, the ladies bundled up and went out and demanded to know what this sudden burst of humanity was all about. It turns out the old man’s ROOMMATE is a STRIPPER and she has a stripping gig tonight that she absolutely must get to. Not only that, rumors of free lap dances were rumbling through the man crowd if the men could get her out. They shoveled, by hand all the way from their mobile home to the main road, it had to be more than a mile.

Well we knew when we were beat, we dug out our own cars ourselves as the men returned exhausted but happy that they contributed to society. HA! We came back inside frozen to the bone, covered with snow, but got our cars dug out.  The guys thanked us and said they thought of taking a ride. We knew they were thinking of following the old man and the stripper to the strip club. Not a good idea with three wives holding shovels.  They said they’d settle for us cooking them a hot dinner. Exhausted, freezing and still holding shovels we explained why that wasn’t happening. We did have a compromise.

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Oh no your’re not!

We told them they’d have to give us lap dances for us to cook!

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Come here baby, make mama happy!

We all ate potato chips for dinner!

Thank you friends for reading my post, please follow me by email so I can send you my newsletter, many are following anonymously…you can change that if you wish by clicking on the contact button and filling in your information or by clicking on the “Follow by email” button. I wouldn’t want you to miss anything. As always, I welcome your comments, please comment or like on my blog page, make sure you are logged in to whatever site you are reading me on or if asked, fill in your email and name (I won’t share it). Until next week, I wish you joy, happiness and lots of laughter.

Lea

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