Here’s a a chance to catch up on last week’s post to bring you up to date before I publish Part 2 in a few hours. I know you are looking forward to part two, it’s filled with romantic fantasies, unrequited love, dangerous undertakings, I fly through the air (yes I do!), near death experiences and more!
Part one is a must-read! Loaded with adventure, mishap, terror, murder and a cliffhanger ending! You’ll be on the edge of your seat!
Let the Air Out of the Sleepover
My weekend fun started Friday morning when I went to pour a bowl of cereal and discovered that the milk was sour. So my daughter and I set out for Giant Eagle to get milk and snacks for her last-minute slumber party request. Halfway to the store my tire blows out. I’m riding down the road wondering what that awful noise is that I’m hearing. I’m looking out the window to see if it is a low flying airplane or something. I never heard that noise before. Now the guy behind me is beeping frantically. It dawns on me that I have a flat tire.
I look around and there is NO place to pull over. Why is everyone parked in the street today? I wobble in to the Giant Eagle parking lot on three wheels wondering who I can call. Aha, my husband signed up with AAA two weeks ago when our car broke down in the middle of a busy road. Yes! So, I proceed to call AAA.
They asked all kinds of questions like what’s the make, model and year of the car. Yeah right, like I’d know that. I was able to tell them the color though. Then they asked if I had a spare tire. I’m sure I did, but couldn’t find it. Do you know that the spare tire was bolted up underneath the car? Like that was intuitive! Gee whiz. If I knew all of that stuff I probably could have changed the tire myself.
I was told that someone would be there to help me “within the hour”. Well, they did come in about 15 minutes but since my daughter was asking every five seconds if they were here yet, it seemed like an hour. Finally, we got the tire changed, bought the milk and $30 worth of snacks for the slumber party and went home. When we got there, all of the kids she invited left messages that they couldn’t come. Boy was my daughter a barrel of laughs the rest of the day. I felt so bad for her. No matter what I did, I couldn’t cheer her up. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
Lea and the Serpent
It’s Saturday morning and it has to be better right? My daughter, bored out of her mind since Friday night because none of her friends show up, calls my parents and invites them over for Saturday morning…and, they accept! Great or it would be but, shopping day isn’t until Monday and I haven’t got a thing in the house, except sleepover candy. Especially, I don’t have beer. My dad likes to have two beers in a frosted mug when he comes over. I’m not sure if it’s to tune out my mother, the drive or me. So, anyway, since I had the flat tire yesterday, my husband decides that he’s going to take the truck out to have the tire replaced and since he’s there, get it inspected. I know he’s thinking this will keep him out of the house long enough to miss my parents.
I get to entertain them myself. It actually didn’t go too bad. We sat and talked a bit, they played with my daughter a bit and then decided to go home. Their whole visit was probably just an hour, too short. But at least we had a nice visit. As they pulled out of the driveway I noticed that my closest neighbors also were leaving their house. You would think that would be insignificant, but wait, there’s more.
Five minutes after everyone leaves the mountain, the dog starts barking. He is barking constantly and I could hear from inside the house that he was standing in one spot barking. That could only mean one thing. He’s got a poor defenseless little bunny cornered. So I go out to try to get the rabbit to run away and get the beast back inside. I step around the corner of the house and find the dog and the poor defenseless creature that he’s got trapped. Now, here’s the fun part. It’s not a cute fuzzy little bunny, he is barking at a giant snake!!! It has to be six feet long. It had funny markings on it so I wasn’t sure if it was poisonous or not, better kill it to be on the safe side. Obviously, I was afraid of the snake and not thinking clearly.
Remember that my neighbors just left, my parents left and my husband is still out with the truck. There is no one to help me. I have to take care of this myself.
The last time that snake was in the yard, my husband was conveniently at work and I was left to deal with it alone. I called him and he told me to just chop the thing’s head off with the shovel. But, by the time I found the shovel it had gotten away. Now it’s baaaaack! Remembering that sound advice, I gathered up every last ounce of courage I had and grabbed the shovel. I kept telling myself that I have to do this to protect my child, who would not come out of the house now with a giant snake out there.
I can do it, I can do it, I can do it. I get to what I think is a safe distance from the giant man-eating serpent, but still within reaching distance. I slowly raise the shovel over my head and Wham! I hit the damn thing on the head and pissed it off.
It coiled then lunged at me, snapping and biting the air. I jump back, scream like a sissy and do the eeeeww, yucky dance. But, I can’t be defeated, my poor daughter can’t come out of the house to play until this monster snake is destroyed. I raise the shovel again, what a glutton for punishment. I swing and hit the snake again. I’m sure this is the deathblow.
Wrong. Now I’ve got a giant snake with attitude and a headache. It coils, lunges and tries to bite me again. I drop the shovel, scream like a sissy and run like hell. The dog is still barking. He won’t leave his post until this snake is gone. I can’t let the dog stand out here and bark like an idiot all day, he’s showing signs of distress. I’m afraid the snake will bite him.
Knight on a Shining John Deere
Just then, I see my other neighbor riding down the hill on his tractor. What a godsend. He’s a big guy, he likes to hunt. He should have no problem killing this snake. I wave frantically at him yelling help. He looks up, gives me a hello wave and goes about his tractor ride. He thinks I’m just trying to be friendly. I call his house to see if his wife can flag him down and get him to help me. Finally, help is on the way. He rides his tractor up my driveway, steps out and nonchalantly takes out a giant machete. He walks right over to the snake, pushes the dog out-of-the-way and whacks the snake’s head off in one chop, my hero. I ignore the blood the spewed all over the side of my house! Whew, what a relief. But, just when you think it’s safe…
Did you know that when you chop off a snake’s head the head still tries to bite you while the body still slithers a bit? I didn’t. Just like something out of a horror movie, the snake head is lunging AT ME (it knows I was behind this contract hit) and biting and moving across the grass as it’s doing it. I scream, “It’s alive! You didn’t kill it enough! It’s come back to life and is after me”. You think I screamed like a sissy before? You should have seen the show I put on now. My hero says, “Don’t worry”, as he stifles a snicker. Actually he laughs out loud! “It will eventually die.” He failed to define “eventually”. “Well that’s not soon enough for me”, I whine.
To appease me, he kicks the snake head into the woods so I don’t have to see it anymore, then picks up the rest of the body, hold it up in the air and says, “Say this IS a big one.” I thought it was about six feet long. It’s about 12 feet long. He swings it around in the air like a lasso and throws it in the woods. It’s only 11:00 AM and I’m ready to call it a day. Maybe Sunday will be better. HA HA HA HA HA! Yeah, right.
Come back next week to read about the rest of my weekend! It’s filled with romance, unrequited love, dangerous undertakings, I fly through the air (yes I do!), near death experiences and more!
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Until next week wishing you lots of joy, happiness and laughter!