We got off to a slow start that mid-winter Saturday morning. We were just about to get in the car at 8 am to make the trip to a water park that boasts constant 80 degree inside temperatures. I was looking forward to this little bit of tropical respite when my six year old daughter suddenly announced that her ear hurt. When I touched it she screamed so I figured it was an ear infection. My husband in his infinite wisdom, said we’ll swing by her doctors’ office and have them see her. Yeah, right. You can’t get into that place without an appointment, I’ve tried. But he refused to hear that. He just walked right in and said see her…and they did!

Now, I had tried that and had been thrown out on my ear, excuse the pun. Of course she did have an ear infection. They wrote her out a prescription and we had to come all the way back to home to get it filled. Then we set off again at 10: 15 am. Which wasn’t so bad because you can’t check into the hotel until 4pm. I was a little apprehensive, should we be letting her swim with an ear infection? I was overruled. I was worried about my little girl, but off we went.

So upon arrival around 2:00 we had to unpack the kids’ suits and towels and leave everything else in the car since we couldn’t check in yet.  I took the girls into the locker room to change them…crowded and miserable. It was almost impossible to find a changing room. We stood six deep waiting for one. Finally, I gather up all the stuff (of course I have to carry everything) and we head out to the indoor water park which remember boasts a constant 80 degree temperature. My A**. It was cold as Hell, if Hell were cold. But on we trudged into the water hell, I mean waterpark. I was willing to stick it out so my daughter and her friend could have fun.

My daughter liked the little kids pool and kids Jacuzzi, her friend liked the big yellow slide and my husband wanted to ride the Big Kahuna slide all day. My daughter wouldn’t go on any of the slides this year because she bumped her head on one last year.  So, all she wanted was the small pools. My husband kept coming over to me saying “Big Kahuna, Big Kahuna!” in my face. He looked like a wet ape, if I had a banana I would have given it to him!

I couldn’t go on the big slide because the line was an hour long. I didn’t want to leave my daughter and her friend unattended that long. So I just ran back and forth from the yellow slide and the kiddy pool and watched them play while my poor husband waited in line and rode the slides by himself. The floors were wet and my feet got cold and pruned. I did manage to take a dip in the adult Jacuzzi, hoping for hot water to flow over my freezing body, it was lukewarm and filled with men wearing Speedo’s who shouldn’t be wearing Speedo’s. Ick.

Finally, 4 o’clock comes around, woohooo! We can check into our room and shower, change and go to dinner. We haul all of our crap to the desk. My husband checks in while I put the girls in charge of watching the stuff because my husband asked me to unload the car. I have to make 5 trips up two flights of stairs in flip flops because there is no elevator. My feet are freezing. My husband can’t do it because all of his clothes are still in the car (dumb excuse since all of my clothes are in the car too). I’m beginning to feel like I’m getting the short end of the stick on this trip, ya think?

I bring in the kids stuff first so they can change. My daughter gets dressed in the closet while her friend gets dressed in the bathroom. Unfortunately, her friend throws her soaking wet bathing suit in her suitcase on top of all of her clean dry clothes. Now they are soaked. I’m trying to blow dry her clothes so we can go to dinner. As I’m doing this both girls fall asleep. I take the opportunity to take a hot shower and get dressed.

It’s time for dinner. I can’t get my daughter’s friend to wake up. She’s in no mood to wake up and go eat, no mood at all! She reminded me of my college roommate who made it my job to get her up for class in the morning. I would hold the alarm clock next to her ear and she wouldn’t budge. I would take all the covers off the bed, nothing. I tried to pull her out of bed, but she was six feet tall to my five feet two inches, that didn’t work. I had to go to class so after this morning ritual I would go to class only to come back to get yelled at. After explaining the lengths I went to just to wake her up I refused to do the job anymore.

But back to the waterpark. I make my husband wake her up. Finally, we meet up with my husband’s friends for dinner. A surprise for me. The wait at Applebee’s in an hour so everyone (12 of us all together, another surprise) decided to go to Quaker Steak and Lube. The wait is also an hour but we decide to stay. They guys found some empty seats at the bar and sat down and ordered beers for THEMSELVES! The wives, of course, had to chase the kids around the restaurant and listen to the “I’m hungry” whining.

Finally we get seated, my daughter is tired, hungry and miserable. She ordered chicken fingers and NO fries!!! Quaker Steak calls them chicken FENDERS which totally irks my daughter. She wants FINGERS not FENDERS and there better not be one damn fry on the dish. My husband said that he would take her fries but my daughter insisted on not having any fries and starts to cry loudly. My husband’s friend tried to make a joke to get her to laugh–never a good idea. She cries louder, I’m holding her and rocking her while the rest of the patrons stare and wonder what I did to make her cry. Another embarrassing Mom moment.

When it’s my turn to order, I ask for a large glass of wine and a tranquilizer dart. I thought it was funny so did the server, observing our table. For some reason, that pisses my husband off to no end. His eyes shoot daggers at me, I’m going to get an ear beating, as if I haven’t been tested enough today. I’m thinking now that I should use the dart on him.

We make it back to the hotel room and put the kids to bed. However they are now wide awake and want to go swimming in the hotel pool. My husband promises my daughter that she can sit in the hot tub and she’s really looking forward to it. This is where reading the brochure (like reading instructions or asking for directions that no man would dare to do) would have come in handy! I decide to stay in the room and read a book and drink a glass of wine. I had a whole 5 minutes before my husband and my daughter come back. You have to be 16 to go in the hot tub. Another disappointment, more tears. Ok, they are finally asleep. We get to do this all over again tomorrow.

Sunday morning, I try to get all of the kids’ suits and clothes ready because we have to check out before going to water hell again. Her friend’s clothes to wear home are soaking wet because she put her suit on them again! So, I said I would stay behind and blow dry them then meet them at the water park. I can’t find any shoes. Here, my husband left the shoe bag behind when he checked in yesterday. I’m freaking, we have no shoes to wear home. I just bought a new pair of sneakers and only wore them once. Now I have to buy new ones not only for me but for everyone else. Like I have that kind of money!! Is there any wine left in the bottle, I need a drink! My husband goes to the front desk and asks if anyone turned in a bag of shoes, thank God they did. Everything is in order now. I check out of the room, pack the car, take clothes and towels and meet them in the park. Why am I doing all the work again? Thank God we’re nearing the end of our fun-filled trip.

After a few hours, I take the girls into the locker rooms to change. I find an empty changing stall and change my daughter, then send her friend in to change. I was just about to go in and change myself when some old bitty decided she was going to run in before me. Of course I’ve had enough at this point. I told her that I just spent two days soaking wet in a water hell, chased these two girls and one big boy around, and taking care of their every need while I put my own comfort aside. I am cold, wet and now have a black fungus under my toenails from constantly being wet and it’s my turn to change and if she thinks that she can take my stall I’d be willing to fight her to the death over it. I heard her mumble something that sounded like “crazy bitch” as I changed into my nice warm sweat suit and headed toward the door.

As I was making tracks to the door, I ran into my cousin, her husband and two kids. We had a brief reunion and I told her I hoped she had a good time. She said of course, she’s putting her husband in charge of the kids and heading to the spa/bar for a mother’s relaxation package with massage and mimosas. WHAT? That was available? I could have had a massage. I got toe fungus.

How was your week? Did you take any mini mid-winter vacations? Tell me about them.

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